Amusing Comments To Myself In First Drafts
If something is going seriously wrong in a rough draft, my process is to type a comment to myself in all caps and then try that bit again. Usually the comment is just “NO” or “NOT QUITE RIGHT” or something equally boring. Or “FUCKING HELL” with varying numbers of exclamation marks. Sometimes though, they get amusing. Here are some of my favorites:
GONNA TRY THIS FROM REN’S POV INSTEAD OF VIK’S, IN THE INTERESTS OF NOT DROWNING IN ANGST.
LET’S TRY THIS PARAGRAPH AGAIN, WITH LESS SUCKING
(After my next attempt at that paragraph) AND NOW LET’S TRY NOT BEING BORING
(I love the rhyming here. I swear it wasn’t deliberate.) FUCKING HELL, SHOW DON’T TELL? DO THESE WORDS RING A FUCKING BELL?
AND THAT SENTENCE NEEDS TAKEN OUT AND SHOT.
COULD THIS SENTENCE GET MORE CONVULUTED, MAYBE? CAN I LEARN TO SPELL CONVOLUTED ON MY FIRST TRY?
I THINK THE PUNCTUATION IN THAT SENTENCE IS PROBABLY CRIMINAL.
WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN TRYING TO DO HERE?
(Half a line later) OH, I GOT IT NOW!
(Half a paragraph later) NO, I DON’T GOT IT.
(One line later. A line that was just me ranting at myself, for that matter.) OKAY, NOW I’M STARTING THE STORY FOR REAL.
(A sentence and a half later) OKAY, MAYBE I’M NOT. WHY CANNOT I NOT . . . OH, FUCKING HELL! WHY CAN I NOT BRAIN TODAY?
(Two and a half words later) NO, THAT IS A VERY BAD PLACE TO START.
AND THAT PARAGRAPH SAYS “I READ BABYSITTERS’ CLUB BOOKS AT AN IMPRESSIONABLE AGE.” UGH. FIRST DRAFT, LETTING IT STAND. (Jaye, you haven’t seen the one that prompted this or the ones that started with “WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN TRYING TO DO HERE?” I ended up with, at most, a few useable paragraphs.)
(I just love that I typed this at myself in bolded, italicized capitals.) QUIT BEING DUMB.
FUCK THAT SENTENCE WITH A CHAINSAW.
I Have Learned To Write
(WARNING: AUTHOR IS FEELING EVEN MORE SNARKY THAN USUAL.)
So, after years and years of perusing writing blogs and forums, I have finally learned how to write.
First, I must keep an inspiration board filled with images that I think might, someday, inspire me to write something or to create a character or whatever. I also need to have a special notebook that I carry with me at all times to write sudden ideas in — with a special pen designated for this purpose.
Second, I must read nothing but “how to write” books . . . except when I’m reading whatever the best-sellers in my genre are to know what’s currently popular.
Then, when I finally get an actual idea . . . or decide to do Nanowrimo because someone I know is, whichever . . . I must make a special inspiration board just for pictures relevant to this story. Then I have to get another special notebook just to put my worldbuilding stuff in . . . or I can use Scrivener. To worldbuild, I need to answer questions found on worksheets about worldbuilding so I don’t forget anything. This is how all the real authors do it. The sites promoting these worksheets say so!
After I’m done worldbuilding, I’ve got to get another special notebook . . . or I can use notecards, or, again, Scrivener . . . and answer all sorts of questions about every single character that might appear in the story, no matter how minor. It is vitally important that I know things like what clique the character was in in high school. Even if they’re fifty. And on a world that didn’t have high schools.
Next, as far as I understand things, is when I should’ve started a writing blog, where I cover such pressing, little talked about topics like “how I create characters” and “my favorite writing books”. This is very important to establish early on so I can build my brand which will help me land a publishing deal.
Then it’s time for more worksheets, these about the plot. For some reason I’m supposed to use ones designed for writing movies. I think this is so I’m more likely to get a movie deal after my book is published because my book will be so easy to convert to a movie script. Or I’m supposed to use confusing ones that use the word scene in a way completely differently than any other English speaking person . . . though I’m really not sure how anyone uses those without taking the expensive classes telling you what all the specialized terminology means.
Once I’ve gotten my plot all worked out, it’s time to turn it into an outline! It is absolutely crucial that I have a detailed outline. No serious author ever writes anything without one.
Then I finally get to write!
Writing, despite what some people say, isn’t as simple as putting your butt in your chair and your fingers on the keyboard and writing one word after the other until you can’t do any more that day. No. Before I start each writing session — which needs to be at the same time every day so this becomes a habit — I must light my special writing candle, put on my special fingerless gloves so my hands will stay warm, get my special writing snack, and make sure I have my reward close to hand for reaching my goal for the day. It’s also utterly essential that I write the same number of words every single day . . . even if someone close to me died that day or I have pneumonia or appendicitis. If I miss one day, I’m likely to never, ever write again!
And I’ve run out of momentum, or I’d continue this through revising and submitting. I really don’t get people making writing this goddamned complicated! But, then again, I’m the person who realized she wasn’t a Wiccan because the whole doing rituals thing just seemed like way too much goddamn work.
My method, for those just tuning in:
Suddenly have random snippet of scene in head, sometimes — but by no means always — prompted by something I’ve heard or read.
Try to ignore it because I always have way too many works-in-progress already.
Keep getting revised versions of it in my head while I’m trying to do other things.
When I feel like there’s a page of stuff knocking about up there, type it. I’ve learned that if I can get a page, odds are I’ll get at least 2000 words before I need to stop and really think, but if I’ve got less than a page, then that’s likely all I’ll ever have.
Characters and worldbuilding are done on the fly, interrupting my writing to do research if necessary. It’s usually not . . . or at least not serious research, more like five minutes of googling sort of stuff. I’ve got years and years of reading everything I can get my hands on to draw from. I’m the only person (as far as I know) to ever beat my grandfather at Trivial Pursuit. This pretty much means I’m one of the best in the world in knowing random shit. (Okay, so I only won because my final question was about The Hobbit, and Grandpa couldn’t roll the right number to land in the middle, but still . . .)
Also I GMed for years for a pair of players who had such a knack for wrecking my carefully crafted plans that my house rules for two different systems include a standardized reward for outwitting me and/or the module. I had to learn to make shit up on the spur of the moment. This is case where practice makes perfect, for sure, because I used to have to retcon lots of stuff for the sake of keeping the feeling of a setting intact, but that’s not nearly as often the case any more.
I have issues with the “you must write every single day!” advice that is the closest thing to holy writ modern writing culture has. That’s probably a whole post on its own, honestly. One I may have already made, come to think of it. Does anyone recall whether I ever did a post on how fucking ableist that advice is? (And, yes, I really did see someone say that even if someone close to you died, you still have to write that day! And on the day of the funeral.)
Anyway, because I’ve discovered it’s the best for both my writing and my mental health, I only write three or four days a week, usually. Or try to. Lately I’m only hitting one or two . . . always the same ones I totally ignore social media and the news. I think there might be a connection there . . .
I do seem to have started writing at about the same time on the days I do write, but that’s not a planned thing. It’s also the time I play Pokémon on days I do that, so I think it’s more that it’s just a few hours that are great for doing stuff that I’m going to lose track of time while doing.
I don’t do a set number of words per day, nor amount of hours, but, again, a norm has developed. Usually I write for two hours and get about 3500 words. I quit when my brain and/or fingers are starting to rebel too much.
As for what I read . . . here’s the last ten books I read (according to Goodreads. I think there’s a book or two missing.):
- Magic for Nothing by Seanan McGuire — a paranormal romance/urban fantasy
- The Inimitable Jeeves by P. G. Wodehouse — an Edwardian comedy of manners
- The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula Le Guin — the best “soft” science fiction novel I’ve ever read
- The three Miss Peregrine’s Children books by Ransom Riggs — YA fantasy
- Steering the Craft by Ursula Le Guin — a writing advice/exercise book
- The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer — a memoir
- Reilly’s Luck by Louis L’Amour — a Western
- Little Women by Louisa May Alcott — one of the best books ever written, uhm, I mean, a Victorian girl’s novel/YA classic.
Oh, hey! There’s a writing book on there! It’s one of two I’ve read in the past year, both because they were interesting, not because I was trying to improve my craft or whatever . . . though I will be doing some of the exercises in that one at some point for that purpose because they look like they might actually be useful for fixing some of my weaknesses.
Out of that list, the books that have the most influence on stuff I’m currently working on are the Wodehouse and the L’Amour, despite both being pretty goddamned far from my genre.
I don’t know what I’m “supposed” to be doing in a space opera right now. All I know is that I can’t get into much space opera these days, so I’m not interested in doing whatever it is they’re doing. I’m doing my thing; they can keep doing theirs.
Anyway, this got rambly. I don’t know why I mention that since my posts almost always do. It’s 3am, so maybe I should go to bed.
Character Interview: Jake
On that list of blogposts — and recommended all over the damned place for all kinds of reasons — is character interviews. So, because I’m enough over this cold from hell to manage snarky quips, but not enough to manage actual fiction or blog writing, I’m going to interview Jake.
Please do tell me if this manages to make you interested in the book. I can sort of see how that might work, but I really, really don’t get how these thingies are supposed to be helpful before I write.
Questions stolen from here.
This is Jake circa Jake Becomes Mithoska, because it’s what was on my mind.
What is your age?
Forty-one, almost forty-two.
Do you have any siblings?
Nope.
Are your parents alive? Are they married? Are they divorced?
Nope. Momma died when I was little more than a baby; Daddy died when I was about ten.
If you were sent to a deserted island, what three things would you take?
Why have I been sent to a deserted island? A deserted island on what planet? This is really weird question. Is this one of those psychological things that’s supposed to give you some sort of insight into how my mind works? Well, guess I’ll answer it anyway: my wife, my youngest kid cuz she ain’t old enough to be on her own yet, and my ship . . . which means I won’t be stuck on that island for long.
Do you have a hidden talent?
My wife will hit me if I answer that the way I want to.
Do you have a habit you wish you could break?
Nope.
What features do you like the most about yourself?
My hair gets lot of attention from ladies, so I guess it.
What features do you dislike the most about yourself?
Does my temper count as a feature? It’s gotten me in a shitton of trouble in my life.
Do you have a hobby?
If you were to ask my wife, she’d say annoying her.
Come to think of it, if you asked my closest friend, she’d say annoying her too. Huh.
Do you have a guilty pleasure?
If I felt guilty about it, I wouldn’t be doing it.
What kind of music do you like?
I’m not that picky. Not technophonic. ((Technophonic is what happens if you combine the worst of techno, disco, and electronica.))
What is your biggest pet peeve?
People wasting my fucking time.
And incompetence.
What is your favorite food?
Pretty much anything my wife cooks.
Do you have a passion and, if so, what?
You really want me to get hit by my wife, don’t you?
Do you consider yourself an introvert or extrovert?
Never really thought about it. Extrovert, I guess.
What is your idea of a perfect day?
I’m serious: my wife is gonna hit me if I answer some of these questions in public.
Who is your favorite author?
Don’t really have one.
What would be the first thing on your bucket list?
I don’t understand the concept. You never know when you’re gonna die, so it makes more sense to me to make the most of each moment instead of having some goddamned list you’re trying to complete.
If I asked you to write an entry in your journal, what would it be about?
Nothing, because I wouldn’t do it. I got too much going on to write a damned journal entry.
Tell me something no one else knows about you.
If no one else knows it, then what the fuck makes you think I’m gonna tell you?
Well, that was sort of fun. Anyone really, really looking forward to reading the book now? I certainly didn’t get any new insights into the character.
Yet More Ranting About Shitty Writing Advice
I’m sorry for doing more on this theme so soon, but I clicked a link I shouldn’t have clicked, and now I’ve got to vent here or I’m going to go off on an author for a blogpost they made years ago, and that’s majorly not cool. (I was expecting it to be snark-worthy, not infuriating, when I clicked it.)
So, I finally found out what’s behind that “what’s the lie your character believes about themselves?” question that’s suddenly started appearing on character questionnaires in the past few years.
Kurt Vonnegut said, “Every character should want something, even if it’s a glass of water.” For ages lots of authors have quoted this and used it to remind themselves that a good way to write a story is to figure out what a character wants and follow them in their pursuit of it. Well, apparently there’s currently an idea out there that what the main character wants is always something to counteract his inner turmoil. This is what is meant by the “lie they believe about themselves”, that if they get this thing they want, their problem will be solved.
So . . . okay, can’t use Jake for this one because seriously that dude is ridiculously inner turmoil free . . . uhmmm . . . I’ll use Bobby. He’s certainly got issues. Anyway, if I’m understanding this right, the lie he believes would be that if he gets to screw a gorgeous woman without having to pay for it — all he really wants at the beginning of the story, which is where this is established according to this same advice — all his worry and homesickness will go away.
Except I’m not writing a character who’s that fucking stupid. Bobby thinks that screwing a beautiful woman will help him have a nice vacation, that’s it. Yeah, it’ll help him forget about the worry and homesickness, which he does want to do, but he knows better than to think it’ll solve them forever.
So maybe I’m supposed to say it applies to his subconscious desire for stability and peace in his life. Except that’s not a lie. Attaining those really does fix his issues!
And then there’s his temper, but he really doesn’t have the slightest interest in fixing it until Karen tells him she’s tired of his shit. And then, again, not a lie. He thinks if he learns to control himself, he won’t lose her, and what do you know? That’s exactly right!
Now, Bobby does have lies he believes about himself. His tough talk is often to cover up a lot of insecurity. But he has no interest in fixing this, because that would mean admitting to himself that he is insecure, and he is nowhere near that self-aware.
As far as I can tell, to the people who find this sort of advice useful, what would make an interesting story would be Bobby thinking that screwing a beautiful woman would fix his insecurity and pursuing one and then discovering that this didn’t actually make him feel like less of a fuck up. That sounds utterly depressing and terrible.
And this is why I know No More Lies is either destined to be a genre changing success or a total commercial failure! Lit fic fans won’t touch it because not only does it have spaceships and aliens, it’s not all about his inner demons and shit. Romance fans won’t touch it because I gleefully ran from almost every cliché . . . especially the ones for sf romance. Sci-fi adventure fans won’t touch it because I don’t focus enough on the whole “enemy government trying to kill him” bit. And hard sci-fi fans will run from the room screaming as soon as Bobby takes a ship from one star system to another as easily as people can go to another state now. Oh well. I love it, and I’m sure somebody else will too . . . even if it’s just Mom.
Also, lit fic centric advice should come with a goddamned warning. I’m suddenly remembering stories I read during that misguided semester I spent as an English major. ~shudders~ Look, if your writing advice makes people think of horrible literature classes, you’re doing it wrong!
Oh! I also forgot to edit my post from earlier today to add this, so I’ll do it here: I think I figured out how, according to the shitty advice those questions amounted to, Jake Becomes Mithoska should go: I can go ahead and have the bit where he ends up in charge of everything right as everything goes from terrible to “holy shit, how the fuck are we going to win this?!”, but he can’t handle the pressure and makes a terrible decision and the bad guys win and it’s all on his shoulders, and then most of the story is about him watching everything fall apart and angsting over how it’s all his fault. I think he’d get to struggle and fail a few times to prevent things from getting worse, and if I wanted a happy ending — which, as I mentioned, aren’t trendy right now for whatever reason — he’d get to succeed finally, but the ending would be bittersweet because he would’ve lost everyone he cared about. More likely, though, what would make the story best in their eyes would be if kept struggling and failing and ultimately died, because then it would be something deep about the futility of trying to solve problems through violence or some shit like that.
I still think my story is a lot more interesting.
(And my inner Jake would like to smack the shit out of people for thinking Dichidians conquering two or three galaxies and it totally breaking him would make a good story. Good stories are things like the one about his grandpa killing over one hundred heavily armed, armored bad guys with a sword before he finally died himself . . . because he’d sworn an oath to protect a temple to his dying breath, and goddammit, he was going to do it! It’s a sad story, but it’s a good one because it’s about bravery and dedication and honor and all those wonderful things. Jake, amazingly enough, isn’t one of my Proud Warrior Race Guys. He just thinks like one.)
Unhelpful Story Planning Stuff
I’m so tired of advice on how to plan stories that assumes you’re writing one of three types of stories: a paint-by-numbers Hero’s Journey, an equally formulaic romance, or the sort of deep, literary thing that’s more about the character’s inner journey than whatever the story looks like it’s about.
I’ve got nothing against any of these story types, by the way. I don’t read formulaic versions of the first two any more and tend to get frustrated with the third, but I know they have their audiences and that the first two sell far better than my weird not quite literary, yet not quite normal sci-fi stuff does.
What I have a problem with is how much of the stuff for writing the first and third assumes that the advice they’re giving is universal. The first is probably self-explanatory, but the third, the lit fic type stuff . . . rather than trying to explain what I find so fucking stupid about trying to apply it to every story, I’ll illustrate, using Jake Becomes Mithoska, which is about a dude suddenly getting promoted to the equivalent of Admiral of the Fleet right as a war goes from terrible to “This is our last chance; if this doesn’t work, the whole galaxy will fall.” These are paraphrased versions of some of the questions on a list of questions that are supposed to be very helpful in planning a story.
- What is your main character’s treasured secret desire?
You remember way back when I did the post ranting about character building questionnaires and I ranted about questions having built in assumptions? Yeah, we’ve got that here again. Jake doesn’t do secret desires. His desires are to minimize the good guy casualties, to have some time with his family and pets, and an endless supply of his favorite caffeinated beverage. That’s it. He’ll tell those to anyone who asks. Nothing secret there.
- (This one I’m not paraphrasing because I need to rant about it so much) What is the worst thing that could (and hopefully will) happen to your hero?
What the everloving fuck?! “And hopefully will”?! No. Just . . . no. The worst does not always need to happen. I repeat, the worst does not always need to happen. Sometimes . . . hell, frequently, in my opinion . . . just the threat of it is enough.
Besides, what’s the worst thing that could happen to Jake? Well, he could survive the war but lose everyone and everything he cares about and, oh, yeah, two — eventually three, probably — galaxies would fall to a species that consider humans cattle. And Jake could survive and live with the guilt that he couldn’t prevent this. And that’s totally a story I’d want to read.
Oh, wait. No, it’s not. I’d much rather read about someone preventing things from getting that bad. There’s enough darkness in the world. How about some of us authors try to put a little light out there? (Also, in the current political climate, I’m really uncomfortable with reinforcing the idea that things have to hit rock bottom before they can get better . . .)
- Why can’t your character live with their conscience if they don’t get what they want?
Because what he wants is the fucking survival of lots and lots and lots of people? Really, if Jake doesn’t get what he wants, his conscience is going to be the least of his problems . . .
- How can you make the temptations irresistible?
Looky, it’s another question with a built in assumption! This isn’t that kind of story. Nothing and no one tempts Jake.
And if anyone tried to, he’d punch them. He’s a really straightforward kind of guy, with a moral and ethical code he does not violate.
- When do your characters realize they’re in danger?
I see this one so often on planning stuff for all three of the types of stories I mentioned at the beginning of this that I can only assume everyone else in the world has forgotten about the fact that stories can start in media res. In this one, Jake does realize during the story just how bad things have gotten, but “in danger”? Yeah, that happened when Sweytz first got involved in the war, about two years before the story starts.
- Do the supporting characters that try to stop your character’s plans know about his secret desire?
You know, I’m pretty sure that the enemy generals really don’t give a fuck what Jake wants. They’re pretty sure he wants their troops dead — that’s kind of obvious from all the shooting at them his ships do — and that’s all they really care about.
But that doesn’t mean that I wrote a goddamned Hero’s Journey story. Not all war stories are the Hero’s Journey. But that’s a separate rant for some day when I don’t need to be getting ready to go to dinner.
- What does your hero expect that won’t happen?
He’s a military commander. He knows better than to expect anything but the unexpected. No plan survives contact with the enemy, and all that.
Then there were follow-up questions about what the hero does and what the antagonist does that makes it not happen and . . . this and the secret desire thing seemed to be really crucial to the sort of story this questionnaire is to help write.
- Try to imagine all of the places your characters can go in the search of their objective.
Oh, Jesus Fucking Christ! All of them?! My setting covers three major galaxies and a couple of satellite galaxies! How about I make shit up as I need it? That work for you?
(Okay, now I think I see the point of this question at least. Apparently this started as screenwriting advice, so you would be more limited than in a book. One of these days I’ll manage my rant about how screenwriting advice doesn’t apply to story writing without swearing and abusing caps lock and bold . . . maybe.)
- What are the social reasons for the antagonists’ actions?
Uhmm . . . they want to conquer the galaxy because their war leader has convinced them it’s a good idea/manifest destiny sort of thingy? Oh, and because they think they’re the only ones who are truly sapient beings. I don’t think this is the sort of thing this question was really aiming for.
- What characters can go through something similar and find a different solution?
What sort of different solution is possible to “let’s prevent the bad guys from conquering everything?” Going “No, let’s let them”?
Well, I guess that is possibly what some would do. No one I’m going to write about though.
- Is the main character naive and/or weak?
This is the first question under the section titled “Character Growth”. I presume I’m supposed to answer yes and then the next questions will show how he grows. I really, really, really wish people would get over the idea that character growth means, well, the Hero’s Journey, ultimately . . . farm boy who knows nothing to savior of everything. There are other sorts of character growth. Like in this, Jake goes from halfheartedly considering ways to get out of running the fleet to realizing that, while he may hate the job, he has no choice but to do it to the best of his ability.
In other words, no, Jake isn’t naive or weak. I mean, I guess since this is technically a later installment in what will someday be a series that takes him from an eight-year-old son of a ranch hand, at the very beginning of his story he is, but he’s also eight. And for an eight-year-old he was pretty strong, ridiculously strong-willed, and smart.
- Are the chances for the desired outcome and the despised one equal?
Nope. Well, maybe, in a “million to one odds happen nine times out of ten” story logic sort of way, but using actual logic . . . nope. I’m pretty sure that’s where excitement comes from. I hope I wasn’t supposed to say yes to this. Though if I was, it could explain why I can’t finish so many books and movies these days . . .
- What feared confrontations does the main character try to avoid or postpone?
Again with the assumptions! Jake . . . well, I’ll just put it this way: his wife makes him swear an oath to his gods that he won’t sacrifice himself unless there is totally and completely no other choice. This is not a guy who tries to avoid confrontation.
Wait, I take that back. He tries to avoid blowing up a pirate ship with a dolt for a captain. Because he doesn’t want to kill people just because they’re serving an idiot. But there’s no fear there. He would have done it in a heartbeat if he had no choice.
- Can the antagonist be made to see the error of their ways through the fear of shame or loss of face?
. . . Hell no. My antagonist is doing this because they want to eradicate and/or enslave other races. They clearly don’t give a flying fuck how others feel about them.
Seriously, have you ever read a book where the antagonist was made to stop being an ass because it would be embarrassing if they didn’t?!
- How should the audience feel when the story is over?
With any luck, they’re chuckling at Jake’s exasperation as once again something keeps him from getting to go home without one last problem. Because I like happy endings.
I know that happy endings are, for some reason, considered horrible by some right now. I don’t give a fuck. I just finished a book yesterday that was wonderful until the end. The end failed, in my opinion, on two counts: 1) it was a fucking obvious sequel hook, and 2) I walked away from the book depressed . . . this is not how a reader should feel after an exciting climactic battle that the good guys won. Especially if you want the reader to buy the next book in the series, which the obvious sequel hookness of the scene made clear was the whole goddamned point. (The previous book in the series ended much better, with a scene after the heavy dramatic, everything changes forever, one that lightened the mood considerably.)
And if you consider it a spoiler that the galaxies won’t fall . . . then you must be really new to my writing. I don’t do depressing endings.
Words To Use When Writing
That list of blog topics has as a suggested post “List of words to use in your writing.” Seriously. So, here’s the list of words I suggest using:
https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/?utm_source=od-panel&utm_campaign=en
Yes, I linked to the Oxford Dictionary. Yes, I’m a smart ass . . . but I’m also completely motherfucking serious. There are no words that are off-limits when you write. Nope, not that one. Nope, not even that one. Nope, not that one either. There are no words that are off-limits. It’s all a matter of how and why you use them.
Yes, I know there are some words that aren’t considered polite any more that used to be used freely. If you’re writing a story that’s set in an era when calling American natives Indians was simply what was done, then fucking use the word Indian. If you call them Native Americans, then you’re going to pull any reader who knows anything about history the fuck out of your story. This applies to terms that are no longer acceptable for other races too.
Tangentially (C’mon, it’s me. Were you honestly expecting me to stay on topic?!), you also need to have correct historical attitudes. Your 1860s protagonist can be ridiculously ahead of their time when it comes to race and gender relations, that’s cool, I can understand why you’d do that, but if your whole cast is then my suspension of disbelief shatters into a thousand tiny pieces.
“But,” you whine, “I don’t want to write about people with horrible beliefs like that!”
Then maybe you shouldn’t be writing historical fiction!
Also, if I see one more person criticizing Louis L’Amour or Laura Ingalls Wilder for accurately portraying how white people saw the indigenous people of North America in the late 1800s, I’m going to . . . I don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be pretty and might involve bloodshed. (I’m exaggerating. Possibly.)
And if you think books should be banned for accurately portraying historical attitudes, go fuck yourself. History isn’t politically correct. There are aspects of today’s society that I sincerely hope future generations find as disturbing as we do the treatment of pretty much everybody but cis, white, neurotypical, able-bodied men for most of European and American history.
(And, yet again, the interesting part of this post is where I left the actual suggested blog topic behind. It’s almost like these topics aren’t interesting on their own . . .)
(Seriously, a fucking list of words to use?!!)
Excerpt from Jake’s Last Mission
(This is not my best cover, but it was the best I could do on the budget I had at the time. I spent a ridiculous amount of time finding the right font to make it look as good as possible, anyway. And the print book does look pretty good, I have to admit.)
This one was hard to pick an excerpt from, as my favorite bit is very near the end and would be a major spoiler. I narrowed it down to three possible scenes and Jaye chose this one. Enjoy!
The trip to Mugdar was uneventful after that, for which Jake was grateful. He wanted very much for this whole thing to go smoothly so he could go back home and retire as planned. I’ve gotten too old for adventures, he thought as they docked at Mugdar’s main spaceport.
His audience with the emperor wasn’t until the next day, so he decided to spend some time playing tourist. Zardel was quite happy to show him around the empire’s capital city, being somewhat familiar with it as she had family who lived there. After several nulaire spent at museums and such, she suggested they get some drinks at a nice little bar she’d discovered the last time she was there.
“Don’t worry. I won’t let you get too drunk,” she said.
Jake shrugged. “Just a couple of drinks won’t hurt. You order for me though; I wouldn’t want to accidentally call someone something rude.”
She laughed. “Your Mugdaran is nowhere near that bad. Just keep your order simple and you should be fine.”
He stared at the drink menu and finally had to concede defeat. He could speak Mugdaran still, but he hadn’t thought to worry about whether or not he could still read it. “Zardel, what do you recommend? I can’t make heads or tails out of the menu,” he finally asked, quietly, not wanting his ignorance to be obvious.
Fighting back a smile, she said, “Order the zitka. It should be mild enough for a Human.”
“Thank you.”
He sipped at his drink after getting it. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t something he was in any hurry to drink again. Tastes like cinnamon mixed with pepper, he thought.
The evening was passing uneventfully, and then, as Jake was just about to suggest leaving, a crowd of young Mugdarans in uniform came in. One of them saw him – the only Human in the place – and grinned. “Hey, Human,” he said, in rather good Galfarran, poking Jake in the shoulder.
Counting to twelve first, Jake replied, “Yes?” He pretended not to notice Zardel reaching for the knife at her belt, ready to jump to his defense at any time.
“What you doing here?”
“I was having a drink with a friend. I’ll be leaving in a moment though,” he said, and started to stand.
The young Mugdaran grinned big enough that his fangs showed. “Nuh-uh. You hang out in a Mugdaran bar, you got to prove you could be a Mugdaran, right?” His friends all cheered and nodded agreement. Jake suspected from the general look and demeanor of the group that this wasn’t the first bar they’d been to that night.
Zardel growled. The young man looked her over appraisingly. “What’s this pathetic Human got that I don’t, sweetheart?”
“A brain?” she ventured.
“I got better than that,” he said, gesturing to what he meant.
She rolled her eyes. “Jake isn’t my lover. He’s my commander. He’s been the equivalent of a hulvim since you were nothing more than a dream of Belthis’.”
“So he’s old. Thought he might be. Looks out of shape,” one of the pest’s friends added.
“Sir.” Zardel warned as Jake stood up the rest of the way. It wasn’t, he assured people often, that he was sensitive about his weight. He knew he was heavier than he’d been in his youth. He just resented people assuming it meant he was too old and out of shape to still kick ass when called upon to do so.
The young Mugdaran laughed. “How adorable! The elderly Human wants to fight me!”
Zardel said, “Jake …” with a warning tone, but it was too late. He’d already landed the first punch.
Jake may have been in the later years of middle age; he may have been overweight; he may have been drunker than he should’ve gotten as Zardel had been a bit confused about how high the alcohol content of zitka was, but he could still fight. Alas, the young Mugdaran was no slouch in that department either. As those two fought, proving that a lack of honor is not unique to Humans, two of the young man’s friends tried to attack Jake too. Needless to say, Zardel didn’t stand for that. Nor did many others in the bar. In Mugdaran culture, there are very strong concepts of right and wrong. To violate those once you have passed the tagreeth and thereby proven you’re an adult is to invite the wrath of all. Making a fight unfair is one of the wrongs.
When the fight was over, the young men – those still conscious anyway – admitted the error of their ways and promised to refrain from such behavior in the future, or they’d turn themselves over to the gethane
and accept their punishment without complaint. Jake had one eye swelling shut and a nasty bruise forming on his jaw. Zardel had bloodied her knuckles on the belt of one of the youths but otherwise was pretty much unscathed. “Well, that was fun,” Jake quipped.
Zardel sighed and chuckled. “I just can’t go anywhere with you, can I? C’mon, let’s get back to the ship and let Angel take a look at you.”
“Hey, look on the bright side: Neither of us is in jail this time,” he said, referring to what had happened on Gressit after his previous first officer, Gerard, had accidentally been rude while propositioning the king.
And here are the links to where you can get your very own copy of this story! It’s free! And, while I can’t guarantee it’s free from spelling and punctuation errors – I know of one extra comma and one missing one at least – I do promise it’s got less errors than “Once A Hero, Always A Hero” has.
Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00JRLRM1S
Barnes & Noble: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/jakes-last-mission-shannon-haddock/1118977582?type=eBook
Kobo: https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/jake-s-last-mission
Drivethrufiction: http://www.drivethrufiction.com/product/127741/Jakes-Last-Mission
Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/417982
iBooks: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/jakes-last-mission/id848263545?mt=11
Print: https://www.createspace.com/4340595
This novella – and the short story in the book as well – are under a Creative Commons, Attribution, Non-commercial, Share Alike license . . . which basically means you can do whatever you want from it, just so long as you don’t charge for it.
Also, an expanded version of this story should be coming out at some point in the next year or so, so if you want to wait for it, that’s cool. The story is still the same, the main changes have been switching it to first person and adding more scenes from Emperor Kristark’s point of view to give a better perspective on what was going on back on Mugdar.
I’m also planning – and have a partially completed first draft of the first few chapters of the first book of – a series following Jake’s life, starting with him as the kid of an impoverished ranch hand on a world that is a multi-week trip from Sweytz. My working title for the first book is Little House on Perlithis, which should tell you everything you need to know about it.
Today’s Revising Comments To Myself And/Or The Manuscript
I’m doing these, in case anyone is curious, to make revising a little less tedious and boring. Today I will not be revising No More Lies, however. I will be revising a short story about a horribly unloved cat (Her people won’t let her on the counter and the dog kisses her! Can you imagine such a terrible life?!) that I’ll probably post in a few days. Yes, it’s silly.
“Oops.” (I used Undo one time too many and undid pasting the text into a new document.)
“The . . .”
“Zuh-rill-ee-uh.” (I suddenly couldn’t be sure the cat’s name was spelled in a way that made the pronunciation clear, so I had to say it slowly.)
“What the hell is going on now?!” (Okay, this one was more at the computer than the manuscript, but since it looked like my word processor might’ve suddenly locked up for no fucking reason, it counts.)
And that’s it for that story. That hardly took any work. This either means I wrote a pretty clean first draft — possible, it’s barely over 1000 words so there’s not much room to make mistakes — or I missed a lot of really obvious shit.
So, moving on to one of my favorite bits of No More Lies:
“Oh, I spelled that right!” (Associate. It looks wrong.)
Lots of sighing because my timeline in this bit is tying my brain in a knot.
“Ow, that sentence!”
“‘Around’, yeah.”
“‘Was’, ‘was‘, what the hell?!”
I laughed very hard at this bit, which is just . . . this is Bobby at the beginning of this story, in a nutshell:
I was trying to figure out what to do with a bra I’d just found in my couch. And wondering whose it was. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a woman over.
“Argh!”
“‘Staring to sound’ . . .?”
“I love Bobby.”
“Done?”
(Conversation with cat: “Would you not grab my lips while I’m talking?!” “Mrowwww!!” I think that means “Fuck you, I’ll grab what I want.”)
“Argh!”
“‘Her tone’, no.”
“‘Despite’ . . . yeah, ‘despite being a drug dealer.'”
“Yeah.”
No, I was wrong. This is early story Bobby in a nutshell. This is his girlfriend he’s talking to here:
“I’m not going to catch any rare, communicable, incurable diseases from your bathroom, right?” She sounded sincerely worried. That hurt some.
I decided to try to put her at ease by making her laugh. “None that you haven’t already caught from me,” I said with a smirk.
And now I’m at the end of a scene and tired of the cat grabbing my mouth every time I read a bit aloud to make sure it works, so I’m done for now.