I Have Nothing Clever To Call This One

If you’re following me anywhere just because I’m another self-published author, unfollow me, please.  I don’t give a flying fuck how many followers I have . . . because I’m intelligent enough to realize that followers do not necessarily translate into sales. 

If you started following me for that reason and have since fallen in love with my idiosyncratic approach to the English language, tendency to swear every other word, constant ranting, or very unique perspective on everything you’re welcome to stick around, of course.

But if you’re following me just because you think that following other authors will somehow get you more sales?  Go the fuck away.

I want people following me because they’re interested in me and what I have to say, not what I can do for them.

I especially have no use for the people who follow me on social media in hopes of getting attention for their own books and don’t even buy mine.  If you haven’t shelled out the ninety-nine cents for my book — or the zero cents, these days — then why the fuck do you think I’m going to buy yours when I know nothing about it or you besides “Oh, this is that person who followed me on Twitter the other day”?

You know what gets me to buy a book?  Me being interested in the book.  Yes, that does require I know it exists, and, yes, that can be quite a barrier for self-published books.  That sucks.  But you don’t fix it by randomly following other authors on Twitter/Facebook/Goodreads.  I don’t know how you do fix it . . . all I can tell you is that, with no advertising at all, I’ve got a couple of two plus years old, not wonderfully reviewed, short stories that keep randomly hitting the Amazon Top 100 list in their subgenres . . . now that they’re free, so possibly they’ve gotten listed on one of those free book lists.  But even before that they’d get random sales.  Yes, very random . . . one went a year without a single sale anywhere once . . . but, well, are you in this crazy ass career for the money?  If so, honey, you and reality need to have a Talk. 

Yeah, sure, I wish I knew some sort of marketing secret so my stories would outsell Rowling and King.  But there really isn’t one.  And even if there was, randomly following other authors isn’t going to be it.

This is just like my prior rant about lists of what authors should blog about that aren’t things readers care about; they’re things other authors care about.  Most authors are readers, but most readers aren’t authors.

And who are you trying to sell your book too?  Other authors, or readers who might like your book?

Readers, right?  So why are you trying to court other authors instead of trying to figure out how to attract the attention of readers?

(And, really, if you’re an author, please stop blogging about marketing and shit like that more than your stories.  The occasional thing, sure.  Hell, this post is for other authors so it’d be damned hypocritical of me to say to never blog for them.  But I’ve found oh-so-many author blogs that only mention their books when they’re doing a marketing blitz for a new one and otherwise the blog is all “this is how to do a marketing blitz for a new book”, “this is where to advertise your book”, “this is how to use Pinterest/Twitter/Goodreads/Facebook/Tumblr/Whatever-the-fuck-else-exists to promote your book”, and so on, and, come on, use your brain:  that’s not going to sell your book.  It’s not going to keep readers subscribed to your blog either, so they’re not going to know when the next one comes out.  Think, people.  Just . . . think.)